I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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