My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
