Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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