no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
