I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
