if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
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