he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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