Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
