You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
