my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize