For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm getting married
To pizza
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
My life is pants optional.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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