Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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