I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
