alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Success! We fucked roommates!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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