just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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