i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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