i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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