Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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