"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
