Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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