did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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