I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
you made out with another girl for some wings
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
