There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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