i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
We were destined to go to rehab together
It's no shave November. This is our time.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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