Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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