You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
