Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
