he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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