So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
