No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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