my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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