I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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