you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
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