Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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