btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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