and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
