There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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