once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
