My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
