I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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