I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
