He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize