My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
