i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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