i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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