My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Randomize
