I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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