Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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