Grow some girl-balls and come out already
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
