how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
