so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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