life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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