Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
