I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
