I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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