he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize