If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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