I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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