i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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