Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
