using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Randomize
