I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
