I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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