the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
