make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
