you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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