pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
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